I am fine

She was laughing away with friends, saw me , whispered something to her friends and walked over.” Hi dear,” she says its been long, I confirm with a slight nod. She looks good. Happy. But we have talked over time and she asks. “Are you okay now?” She asks. She doesn’t have to say what we are talking about, but I know what she refers to. ” am okay thanks.” Are you done is the next question. The conversation makes me uneasy. So I say am not done.” Not yet!” She asks again. I say no.

“But you will finish eventually.” I keep looking everywhere but at her. She gets it, lived it. We’ve walked the journey with her until she finished her race. She says it will be done then it’ll be a thing of the past and we’ll all be same. To her it is a thing of the past, am still living the nightmare. “Its not the same”. She nods, now its her turn to be uneasy,”But you look so good, you are strong you got this.” I don’t ‘got this’, am a total wreck. I speak honestly, something I rarely do I say” I don’t feel so strong. It could be my smile that is fooling you” I actually smile at her. I have perfected that smile. The things it hides for me!

I meant it. I am anxious and scared of standing anywhere my colleagues are at because they all think we are singing the same tune. People are planning their lives and all I keep asking myself is …when will my time come? When will this nightmare be a thing of the past. But she gets it, the unspoken words, the uneasy side steps I keep making so she says” I will keep you in my prayers” I say thanks. A friend calls her away. My escape. I move away and tell her to go. I think it’s the pity I see in her face that almost makes me crumble. But I choose to walk away.

I guess am strong because I don’t cry. At least until I get to the lift and let go of the breath I was holding onto for dear life. It’s so hard and painful to breath.

Maybe she’s right. I am stro.ng. But she misses a few other things am scared and alone in my own hell. Worried that the mask will crumble if I stop moving. Then I ask myself have I been moving at all, Anyway?

MOVING ON

It was the second week of January I felt like my life was over. A person I held dear to my heart set me free to see other people. It is my polite way to say that I was Dumped like a hot potato. The emptiness in my chest has started healing. Today I woke up and realized something, that it had been a while since I thought about Pete. Honestly I was shocked with myself and so proud of myself too as for the longest time he was a constant in my mind!

I did not think ever that it would be possible to forget Pete. I had not considered it at all. For the longest time (six years to be precise) I can clearly and authoritatively say that no day passed without me thinking of him. But since January, after the first week of mourning and wailing,  he has not crossed my mind at all. Yes all the while its been me in my mind without my former flame that a while back i thought my world will end without him.

Yes I am undergoing alot of change this year, both internally and physically and if I feel confident enough to forget about Pete, then I am sure greater things are in store for me this 2016. I can feel it in my gut, this a year of great revolution for me. I am on a journey to a place that makes me actually happy. I just ask for strength and courage in my journey of self discovery.

 

Kenyan transportation

I know wat is expected of us is that we shouldn’t enter a vehicle filled to capacity. Since cops look the other way, us passengers who are in a hurry, just get into this vehicles.
Today I was traveling to some small rural town. It takes two hours for a car to have enough passengers,n since a bus was just leaving, I opted to enter it than wait that long. I was given a plank of wood to sit on between two sits.
The journey was boring and dusty and painfully long. I read afew online novels n poems until my battery threatened to die on me. Because I didn’t know where exacting was going I chose to preserve the last bar of charge for when I get there.I entertained myself by you know going to my happy place for an hour but I think even their couldn’t me for this journey.
so I had to face the fact that I was being squeezed to death by two people, so started observing my surroundings.that’s when I discovered I was sitting between two hunks and because we were squeezed together I was leaning one’s biceps, I couldn’t help myself! It was just to tempting, wrong but I just couldn’t stop. I had to feel that torso.     (Will continue )