Dear me,

Presenting my report card,

Yeah, am learning, am making steps everyday.

I’d like to stop and feel sorry for myself but that is no longer an option. The pity party is over, done and dusted and now I decide whether I will dwell on what I have lost, what I would have had had the path opened or I simply create a new one.

So am selecting bricks to set a new foundation of my choosing. Cast away what does not work anymore and form a new.

Its hard. I fold on some days and tell myself to stop with all these tomfoolery, but I remember the darkness I’ve been in for so long and push through. I choose this path and planstick with it.

But, an old dog learning new tricks, will it work? Can it be done? Maybe just balance the two paths? My mind asks silently. But that means 50% commitment to the new right?

I want this bad though and I feel alive in this new path. I have to win this time. Its my turn



By my eyes, I have luckily been brought up in a good home, with two loving parents and they set up a belief to me which i would consider a healthy and loving relationship should be like. I have a set expectation of what a marriage should be like. I have been exposed enough to know what is a good relationship aught to be like as opposed to a toxic one. Domestic violence is indeed a problem. One aught to visit a hospital or jail cell to only understand the horror people live with. The obvious advice and the right advice surely is simply to get out, and when a party can not leave ask for a third party to mitigate the matter for the best interest of the affected man, woman or child in some cases.

Now, I am not in a position to advice in the matter as am painfully single. however I know toxic environments are not good. I went to the market today and happened to listen into a conversation from two mature women. Both of them seemed as survivors of violence, however to them it seemed as just something normal. One was the actual physical violence and the other verbal and mental violence.

Woman 1 says, “my husband used to drink a lot after we decided to move in as man and wife. I was happy to have a family of my own being that am an orphan. We were happy at the beginning, however, after I delivered my first born, he would come home and find any reason to be angry with me. Mostly after night out drinking with his friends. I had seen in my life the way alcoholism ruins many marriages and I wouldn’t let that befall my house. Any opportunity I had, I’d make a point to ask him to stop drinking. Of course any time I cautioned him, he’d end up beating me up and eventually throwing me out of the house at night. I was lucky I had a relative who stayed nearby, I’d end up spending the night at her place. The following day, I would return to my house after he left for work and we’d have a repeat again.”

Woman 2 says, “I would rather my husband beat me. I think that’s easier than what I have gone through for the 35 years of my marriage.’ That long? I wonder to myself. “That man can talk, he just won’t shut up. He would focus on one issue and wait for a response from me to start arguments with me. If I don’t catch the bait, you’d think he’d keep quiet but no, the man will go on talking to no end. I came up with a plan to survive the mental anguish…”, she says smiling.” I cook way early before he gets home, after I have prepared the bath for him on arrival and he has eaten his supper of course insulting me all through it. I head to the kitchen do the dishes and immediately head to bed. He usually takes his time eating so trust me I have to hear all he says then and then he follows me to the kitchen while am doing the dishes since he lacks audience in the sitting room, he automatically follows me with his words. I power through the dish washing and quickly make a get away to bed. I simply pretend I have fallen asleep as soon as I get in to bed. Only then does he shut up. But I have a good home, I am thankful for that. I have raised children with him regardless.

Woman 1 continues, “he changed though, after a few years. Prayers work I tell you, I think I finally got through to him and he just suddenly stopped drinking and has since become a model father. We are happy now and I hope nothing changes again. My aunt moved away from this area so I don’t know where I would go if he starts hitting me again.”

In my mind I wonder, is this something to be proud about, you have been beaten like a dog for years and you haven’t done a thing for yourself! You aught to have gotten away the first time a hand landed on you. Not wait for him to change!

Woman 2 continues, “am glad that happened in your case. Now I worry about my daughter. She got married a year ago you know. The man took to beating her, denying her food and locking her in the house. The time I learnt of this I had gone to see her to visit her without planning ahead, she was locked inside the house and the man had not come home in 3 days and had taken her phone so she couldn’t ask for help. That’s when I learnt of what she was going through. The girl did not say anything! She had no food in the house. My poor daughter, I couldn’t even recognize her. She had lost so much weight! I asked a neighbor to notify me when he returns. She called me a week later to tell me that my son in law had finally come back. My daughter was locked up in a house for over a week with no food or a way to ask for help. I dragged my husband there. I am very proud of him despite his weakness of going on like a pregnant woman-” she says with a coy smile.” We took our daughter back despite the complaints of that evil man. She now stays with us, she got a job and she is not looking back to that horrendous fellow. And can you imagine that that man had the nerve to come to my home and demand that she goes back with him? I think my daughter would have gone back to avoid a scene but I just wouldn’t allow it and my husband stood by me.” She laughs and says, “Of course I had to listen to comments of how I did not train my daughter right to be a good wife and so on the entire night. I am glad that despite is weakness at least he knows how to be a man.”

 They burst out laughing and notice that am just standing there and I think that was my cue to give my life experience with men but as I have none, so I ended up buying broccoli I did not intend to buy to save face and walk away with my thoughts.

Is there really a lesser evil amongst the three men? I wonder. Maybe I have it wrong but what I see is three women who have normalized victimization as a way of life, something that is a part of the norm. The pain is real for me as I could even see the scars on woman 1’s face but she wore them as if a victor in a battle I don’t think she had to endure.

Woman 2 has accepted and endured mental torture as a part of her life. She is wise enough to recognize the problem her child is going through, enough to save her out of the cycle of abuse but what about her. I know she seems content with her life as is but I wonder why she does not view herself a victim of a similar cycle?

What is the solution for this scourge?



So corona happened. It derailed a lot of my plans for 2020. fortunately or unfortunately I had not made the yearly resolution. I had opted to focus on the 2019 aims. In that year too, I made the decision to call them aims as opposed to goals such that it were merely a point I wanted to achieve rather than a goal to attain.
Fast forward to 2020( none of them had attained) so I pushed them forward to the new year.
One of the aims were to lose some weight. I fell obsessively to the current trend of intermittent fasting. I did my research like any other person Google, Facebook and downloaded Illegal books on the subject and decided that was it. following the great testimonials on YouTube I figured this is it for me. Even then, I did not begin in January as I am a master procrastinator.
several months in I asked myself a few tough questions and decided that I may as well just start. It was something that I wanted to do for my self and considering it wouldn’t affect my barely there finances I jumped it.
I started on the 23:1 regimen. let me tell you it was working. apart from the observing looking at the clock to see when my one hour window was on and peeing as if a pregnant woman, I started dropping some kilos. its a good feeling when clothes start fitting better. I even started looking forward to shopping again, though I was waiting to go at least a month in before I started shopping.
Being a social creature that I am, I decided to visit a friend. A really good friend whom I consider Godsent to me. I had not seen her in a while due to the pandemic and being locked out of town when the sanctions were placed by the government restricting travel.
Being an African woman, it is just not polite to have a guest and then fail to feed them. I had politely told her that I could not eat as my visit was outside my eating window. So as I leaving, she gave me a loaf of bread to indulge during feeding my window. I took the bread as its also not polite to refuse a gift given to you. Now, the bread….it was the family bread…you know the size. I stay alone.
The aim was to eat just a two slices and leave the rest for days to come. My friend heh! Honestly I had not eaten bread for about a month. I had also fasted for over 26 hours. The bread, plain as it was, am kind of embarrassed to admit I ate half of it. God!!! It was so sweet I just couldn’t stop.
so that was the end of that.
So as am writing this am contemplating starting over. Hopefully this time round I will be better at it. The lifestyle of it and considering the lesson I have learnt it may be the way for me.

I am fine

She was laughing away with friends, saw me , whispered something to her friends and walked over.” Hi dear,” she says its been long, I confirm with a slight nod. She looks good. Happy. But we have talked over time and she asks. “Are you okay now?” She asks. She doesn’t have to say what we are talking about, but I know what she refers to. ” am okay thanks.” Are you done is the next question. The conversation makes me uneasy. So I say am not done.” Not yet!” She asks again. I say no.

“But you will finish eventually.” I keep looking everywhere but at her. She gets it, lived it. We’ve walked the journey with her until she finished her race. She says it will be done then it’ll be a thing of the past and we’ll all be same. To her it is a thing of the past, am still living the nightmare. “Its not the same”. She nods, now its her turn to be uneasy,”But you look so good, you are strong you got this.” I don’t ‘got this’, am a total wreck. I speak honestly, something I rarely do I say” I don’t feel so strong. It could be my smile that is fooling you” I actually smile at her. I have perfected that smile. The things it hides for me!

I meant it. I am anxious and scared of standing anywhere my colleagues are at because they all think we are singing the same tune. People are planning their lives and all I keep asking myself is …when will my time come? When will this nightmare be a thing of the past. But she gets it, the unspoken words, the uneasy side steps I keep making so she says” I will keep you in my prayers” I say thanks. A friend calls her away. My escape. I move away and tell her to go. I think it’s the pity I see in her face that almost makes me crumble. But I choose to walk away.

I guess am strong because I don’t cry. At least until I get to the lift and let go of the breath I was holding onto for dear life. It’s so hard and painful to breath.

Maybe she’s right. I am But she misses a few other things am scared and alone in my own hell. Worried that the mask will crumble if I stop moving. Then I ask myself have I been moving at all, Anyway?


It was the second week of January I felt like my life was over. A person I held dear to my heart set me free to see other people. It is my polite way to say that I was Dumped like a hot potato. The emptiness in my chest has started healing. Today I woke up and realized something, that it had been a while since I thought about Pete. Honestly I was shocked with myself and so proud of myself too as for the longest time he was a constant in my mind!

I did not think ever that it would be possible to forget Pete. I had not considered it at all. For the longest time (six years to be precise) I can clearly and authoritatively say that no day passed without me thinking of him. But since January, after the first week of mourning and wailing,  he has not crossed my mind at all. Yes all the while its been me in my mind without my former flame that a while back i thought my world will end without him.

Yes I am undergoing alot of change this year, both internally and physically and if I feel confident enough to forget about Pete, then I am sure greater things are in store for me this 2016. I can feel it in my gut, this a year of great revolution for me. I am on a journey to a place that makes me actually happy. I just ask for strength and courage in my journey of self discovery.


Kenyan transportation

I know wat is expected of us is that we shouldn’t enter a vehicle filled to capacity. Since cops look the other way, us passengers who are in a hurry, just get into this vehicles.
Today I was traveling to some small rural town. It takes two hours for a car to have enough passengers,n since a bus was just leaving, I opted to enter it than wait that long. I was given a plank of wood to sit on between two sits.
The journey was boring and dusty and painfully long. I read afew online novels n poems until my battery threatened to die on me. Because I didn’t know where exacting was going I chose to preserve the last bar of charge for when I get there.I entertained myself by you know going to my happy place for an hour but I think even their couldn’t me for this journey.
so I had to face the fact that I was being squeezed to death by two people, so started observing my surroundings.that’s when I discovered I was sitting between two hunks and because we were squeezed together I was leaning one’s biceps, I couldn’t help myself! It was just to tempting, wrong but I just couldn’t stop. I had to feel that torso.     (Will continue )